Closure

It is something which I never thought I would be blogging about -

but here I am, typing away.

Life is always unexpected.
Along the way, twists, turns and bumps appear along the way to throw you off course.

My 9 year relationship ended earlier this year.

I will not go into specific details,

nor will I be delving into the exact reasons of what led to it.

So if you're hoping for a post like that,

I'm sorry to say that you will be left disappointed.

I used to share more about my personal life on this blog,

and along with it, snippets of the relationship.

So when some of you noticed that you have not been seeing as much of Thomas on my blog as you used to,

I received questions like "hey are you and Thom ok?" or "did something happen to you and Thom? haven't seen you blogging about him recently".
Most of them got deleted because I didn't feel like I was ready to share about anything.
Many of my friends with the exception of those closer to heart also knew nothing about it until recently.

Even before the problems in our relationship started surfacing,

I was already trying to cut back on sharing about my personal life on this blog.

If you realise,
I blog and post actively about my day to day happenings, OOTDs and daily activities but I am not one who shares my thoughts on social media.

People tend to judge too much from what they read/see from social media and I am not sure if I can ever be entirely comfortable with that.

In fact,
I am sure that this is one of the most personal posts that I have published in a long time.

There was no drama,
no slamming of doors in each others' faces,

no shouting matches,

no intense hatred for each other when we ended it.
In fact, there was still care and concern for each other.

It was a calm and rational decision made between two people who talked about it over the course of a few months.

It was more than difficult.

It was an internal struggle for such a long period of time before I came to a decision.

Lost a fair bit of sleep,
couldn't focus my energy on work,

and did not try to talk to anyone about it much because people around me simply don't understand.
And I also felt way too guilty for feeling the way I did.

He was present in such a large part of my life.

One third, to be precise.

The most common questions I got after people know that we broke up was,

"What took you so long to realise that he was not right for you?"
"9 years then you find him not suitable ah?"

At the start,

I did not know how, or why.

I just had this gnawing feeling that something was not quite being right, but I could not put my finger on it.

I did not feel happy,

but I did not feel unhappy about anything in particular either.
It was a weird feeling, one which I was not accustomed to.

It started out with me feeling uncomfortable and irritable whenever people asked me about the upcoming flat,
about if he was going to pop the question soon,
about what kind of wedding were we looking to hold.
Wasn't I supposed to be full of anticipation and excitement to start a new phrase of life with someone whom I love as a life partner?


That was when I started thinking.

Our characters and personalities don't clash.

He was giving and tolerant and always willing to do things for me. 

We were together for so long,

surely we must have had each other figured out by now?
Why do I feel this way after so long?

Am I giving up too easily?

Should I put in more effort?

Am I overthinking things?

Maybe things will be better eventually.
Maybe I should just stop thinking and try to sleep.

These were the consuming thoughts which were circling in my head for many sleepless nights.

And we did talk about it.
I gave it another shot for months after the issue surfaced.
For a while,
things got better and I felt like things could go back to being normal again.
But just like a vicious cycle,
things got back to being how they were and the same thoughts eventually crept back into my mind.

Perhaps I didn't work at it hard enough.
Perhaps he didn't take what I said seriously.
Too many perhaps.

I know that if I were to push all these to the back of my mind and just went ahead with all the plans that were already laid out for us,
we would eventually settle down, be married and start a family.
Which might not actually be impossible since we have already been with each other for 9 years. So why not another 9 years? Why not another 19, 29, 39 years?

We knew each other from when we were young, immature and didn't know how life was going to turn out.

We were together throughout our years of formation and development,

and I cannot deny that in more ways than one, 

we helped shape and mould each other into the individuals we are right now.

However, growing together did not always mean that you would be growing in the same direction.

What we want in life has changed over the years.
What we look for in a partner has also changed.

Every one is intrinsically different and so is every couple.

What we feel and go through in our relationships are something that no one else can fully understand no matter how much you try to explain.

Whatever decision that you make,
you just have to live with it and make the best out of it.

And that is what I'm trying to do now.
Lost and worried initially, because the life that is in front of me suddenly became uncharted.
But gradually I came to terms with it,
embraced the current state of my life,
and happy that I don't have to live with all the 'what ifs' in my head now.
Eventually, I know that this decision will lead me to where I am supposed to be.

What I did might be perceived as heartless, stupid or impulsive to some people,
but I don't think I have to justify my decision to anyone.
Or owe anyone any explanation except for him.

It is hard to forget someone who has always been there for such a huge part in your life.
It takes an awful lot of effort to get used to the absence as well.
But whoever said that we have to forget?
Moving on does not mean that we have to wipe our memories clean.


You taught me the meaning of commitment and sacrifice, gave me as much security as I needed in a relationship, demonstrated that pride and ego matters less than the relationship, allowed me to be selfish by always being the selfless one, let me be vulnerable when I needed to, and showed me that love is many small things as compared to big gestures.

Thank you for loving me despite and in spite of my numerous flaws.
Thank you for showing me that it is possible to put another's needs before your own.
Thank you for carrying my burdens through difficult times.

Thank you for all of that,
and so much more.